Hello? Oh...Hello?

This may seem back-asswards, but for the sake of understanding, let's start this one off with a little computer analogy. Yes, chortle if you will, but this will all make sense in due course.

When shopping for a computer, there are several factors to bear in mind, most of which relate to performance. Just like cars, some computers will run faster than others. Some have more memory, allowing them to keep more information readily at-hand while working - much like a meat bag's human's short-term memory.



Ay, and here, laddies and lassies is where things begin to make sense (yes, I'm implying you're all a bunch of backwards typewriter-users who still marvel at the steam engine and the advent of atomic energy). For you see, different people (just like you and I!) are able to operate at different speeds. Some are even able to remember entire conversations before they blank out and need a refresher! Others, unfortunately, aren't so lucky, and either can't seem to -- or simply don't bother -- thinking farther ahead than their next half-sentence.

Intellectually blind as I may deem such perenially-distracted minds, most of these people have (unfortunately) managed to figure out how to use a phone. You may think me awestruck, but I'm not surprised really, considering in the course of about six seconds raptors evolved the ablity to use door handles, nearly outsmarting the wily Dr. Grant. If one were to properly extrapolate the heightening of their intelligence to span the entire film, those raptors should have been flying in hang gliders with mounted tommy guns to take on the t-rex in the climax. But alas, one can never expect Hollywood to be realistic.

Now, not to be insulting, since I'm sure the conversations such folk have with one another are riveting in their own right, but the concept of calling a busy shop unprepared and tying up a staff member's time while quite literally humming and hawing over the line is downright wrong. To visualize the effect of this, just imagine trying to merge a go kart onto the highway.

A go kart that stalls every sixty feet and rolls backwards.

A go kart that somehow manages to take up every lane of the highway. 

Such is the effect of the Eternal Caller telephoning a busy shop. I'll warn ye now, Fair Reader: this has not been edited for brevity. Such would defeat the purpose of this post. When you inevitably lose your sanity from the following conversation, you will be in my realm. I'll have brownies waiting on the counter.

"Thank you for calling Phthalate Photo; how can I help you?"
"Hello?"
"Hi."
"Hello? Is this the photo store?"
"Yes, hi. How can I help you?"
"This is the photo store?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"Oh. Hello."
"Hi."
"Hi. I have a question."
"Okay, go ahead."
"Maybe you can answer for me."
"Yes, I'll try my best. What's the question?"
"Okay.  This is my question. I am calling today because I would like to know if you are selling the MegaWow model 14."
"Yes, we do carry the model 14."
"You have it?"
"Let me check to see if we have any on hand."
"This is the model 14, yes?"
"Yes, hang on while I check."
"Oh because I don't want the model 12 or the model 16 or the other models."
"Nope, I gotcha. Model 14. It doesn't look like we have any in stock right now."
"I'm sorry?"
"I said we don't have any on hand right now."
"You don't have it?"
"Not right now, no."
"Oh."
"Yes."
"So you don't have any?"
"That's correct."
"Oh."
(seconds of silence)
"....is there anything else I can do for you?"
"This is the model 14?"
"Yes."
"And you don't have any?"
"That's right."
"This is the photo store, right?"
"Sure is."
"When will you be getting new ones?"
"Should be next week."
"Oh."
"Yes."
"But you don't have any now?"
"Right."
"So next week?"
"Like I said, yes."
(seconds of silence)
"This is the one on sale, right? The 14?"
"Absolutely."
"And you do not have it?"
"No we don't. We'll be getting the model 14 next week."
"Oh."
"Okay, is that everything?"
(seconds of silence)
"Okay, then! Have a nice-- "
"So, next week, you are saying?"
"Yes. (Seconds of silence) Now if you'll excuse me, I have to clear the line."
"Oh."
"Okay...Goodbye!"
"Oh."

I'll let your mind catch up here for a moment.


Right.

Now, let me stress at this point that this is not a rant against any sort of cognitive impairment or the owners thereof. That's now how I roll. This is, however a rant against a blatant lack of preparedness when telephoning what you know to be a busy place with such a simple, straightforward question as, 'do you have an item?'

Let me also take this opportunity to point out that the above is indeed a real scenario, and it is not exaggerated, nor worst-case. This is what people do on a regular basis.

I theorize (look out! Unlicensed theory!) this stems from one of two reasons: either a belief that repeating a question will elicit a different response (I believe a rather well-known fellow once used this concept as a definition for a common English word), or that such people are simply thinking aloud while they struggle to cope with an unexpected answer and create a logical path to a contingency. Here, for contrast, is a similar conversation with someone who calls a shop mentally prepared:

"Thank you for calling Phthalate Photo; how can I help you?"
"Hi. I would like to know if you are selling the MegaWow model 14."
"Yes, we do carry the model 14."
"Do you have any right now?"
"It doesn't look like we have any in stock right now, sorry."
"I see. When will you be getting them?"
"Next week."
"Thank you."
"Bye."

Same question, same answer. The difference? This caller retained the information given and cleared the line so that the employee can get on with his/her tasks. Simultaneously (read: the tricky part), the caller can mull over the information given for as long as they please and develop a new plan of action.

This doesn't all need to take place while tying up the phone!

I can dream.


Amusing Anecdote of the Day:
A former coworker of mine relayed this experience to me. She answered a call during a somewhat busy shift. The customer had a standard 'what is your price on...' question. After answering the question, there was the telltale 'that's-not-what-I-had-mentally-prepared-for' silence.

"Is there anything else I can help you out with?"
"No."
"Okay, so you have a good day."
(silence)

At this point, the clerk hung up the phone. Seconds later, it rings again. Picking it up with the standard nonsense greeting, she is presented with the following:

"HOW DARE YOU?!"
"I beg your pardon?"
"You hung up on me!"
"No I didn't."
"Yes, you did. I didn't say bye. I didn't end the call. You hung up."
"I did say bye, I didn't hear anything on the other end -- "
"So you just hang up?! What kind of manners are those?!"
"I'm sorry - I didn't realize you had another question."
"I didn't, but that's not the point! This is the worst customer service ever! Where's your manager?!"

And so on. The moral of this week's story? People are insane.


Quote of the Day:
"How fast can you do photos today?"
"One hour."
"I need thirty minutes."
"Sorry, we're very busy. One hour is the fastest."
"Well, I can do forty minutes but no more."
"It's not really negotiable. We've got 800 prints ahead of yours. It will take an hour for the equipment to get to and finish your order. We can't really tell it to speed up..."
"I will stick around, because I need them in forty minutes and you can do better than one hour."