Word Cheap

I have to credit my coworker with introducing me to this term. It's perfect! I told her I was going to keep it but she insisted on some sort of compensation. We finally agreed and I traded the phrase for a shiny high-five! I think I lost out on the deal, but it does not do well do dwell on the past.

The beautiful concept of word cheapness brings us full circle to my initial ramblings about my favourite customers. However, unlike those previous categories, this deserves a full post unto itself. No, that's not a good thing. And no, it doesn't mean I'm recycling ideas, so can it, smart-ass(es).

Without wasting any more of your precious time, O Glorious Reader, you'd like me to get to the point: what does frugality have to do with linguistics? To sum it up, let me make a comparison between a relatively "word-expensive" sentence versus what one (one being myself and perhaps the previous owner of the expression) might dub a "word-cheap" phrase:

"Word-Expensive"
Hi, I've got a quick question. Do you happen to carry any batteries for this model camera?"

"Word-Cheap"
BATTERIES. (Occasionally followed by throat-clearing)


If you're still confused, I cannot help you. Seek professional assistance.

Now, those of you who work(ed) retail are no doubt familiar with this type of person. Conversely, those of you who have never worked a job which requires human interaction or any sort of manners are probably scoffing right now over your tea and scones whilst reading this on your iPad. That's right. I said 'whilst.'

Personally, I've found an increasingly word-cheap clientele over my milennia years working in the realm of lost souls retail. I can't really say with scientific certainty whether this is an increasing trend overall, but I can say it has increased for me, and since I am a renowned scientist*, it's now a fact that customers use increasingly fewer words (does this even make sense?) when communicating with staff at any sort of business. I'm not talking about small talk or chit-chat, but little things like, gee, I don't know...general politesse and forming a full sentence.

I first noticed the dread phenomenon while working for a well-known electronics retailer. Being my first retail experience, I was naïve - and perhaps more shocking to you now-weary reader(s) - polite. I used to think it was a fluke that people would sneak up behind me. Maybe they were right in front of me the whole time, but I was just way too preoccupied to notice, and maybe I happened to turn my back at just the wrong moment as they were opening their mouth to greet me, and perhaps the sound of the air rushing over my ears as I pivoted drowned out the customer's initial greeting and preamble. Maybe it was just a coincidence that I only heard a single word from some people who also happened to be ten feet behind me because as I happened to be turning away from them at the precise moment they greeted me, I also briskly walked in the opposite direction.

Yes, it's that hard in my mind to justify this kind of behaviour! I actually went to those lengths in my first couple of years of work to give these people the benefit of the doubt...until I went crazy. We don't talk about that anymore.

I remember one distinct case of chronic word cheapness at my previous employer, and though I encounter it continuously at my present shoppe, there really only exists one prevalent class. Fanciful elaboration follows:

[Intermission]

Picture - if you will - a handsome, well-built, well-coiffed, and well-dressed young retail employee. Now instead picture me as a seventeen-year-old fresh-faced conscript. Imagine a fairly empty big-box store, with luxuriously wide aisles for ample manoeuverability into someone's field of view. Now picture the kind of intent required to stay out of that field of view. When all is established, say to yourself in a full-bodied, stern, already-impatient-even-though-we-haven't-even-begun-to-interact-yet tone of voice,

"DVDs."

At first, like I said, I would consider this to be my fault somehow, so I was very accommodating to folks who would approach me from behind while belting this out - frightening as they were. In a very short time, however, I learned it was not a matter of misplaced politesse, but a complete lack thereof. My policy quickly went from polite assumption to intolerance, to eventual complete ignorance of the perpetrator's existence (see today's Amusing Anecdote).

Thinking I had escaped this kind of treatment given the complete shift in clientele between my previous and current employers, I relaxed. I'm now back up to intolerance again.

Case in point #2: A less fresh-faced me is standing at the shop's cash counter, which faces the front of the store. A wild customer appears and begins trekking up the length of the shop (it's super effective!). Approximately fifteen paces from contact with the counter, the customer (I would assume in some twisted perception of efficiency) begins belting out a phone number.

Ever tried to have a phone conversation whilst walking full-tilt? Nobody can understand you! Now, try that again in an accoustically-abysmal room with a specific combination of numbers. The only thing that has efficiently been accomplished is increasing the length of time it will take for me to pull up your record and find your order, as I now have to wait until you've approached and have finished talking (and most of these people like to continue rambling 'related' facts to me such as their last name, number of photos in the order, date of the order, finish, favourite food, number of pets, address, and any current medical afflictions) and then not only ask you to repeat your phone number, but clarify exactly what you're here for. Not everyone who walks in that door is there to pick up photos - occasionally we actually get people dropping orders off. I bold this because the look I get from people when asking whether they are picking up or dropping off is one that suggests the very notion of a dropoff is absurd.

Yes, friends (can I call you my friends?), I have experienced this often enough to draw conclusions into the psyche of such clientele. It is dark, I assure you.

The way I look at it, these types consider me (or my familiars) as a utility. A means to an end - this end being the attainment of service or product. Ergo, such human beings do not lower themselves to discuss topics such as how things are currently "doing" or "going," nor do they presume to greet or be greeted by staff. The most efficient method to achieve their goal is to communicate only when necessary (i.e. the instant before they enter what they perceive as earshot of the staffing tool) and to communicate only necessary pieces of information. This is their collective mind.

This is how they think.

This is why I smile and repeatedly ask these people how their day is going until they answer me.



*and a doctor, Ted!

Amusing Anecdote of the Day
This particular tale requires visual aid, so I've uploaded a dirty picture to accompany it. Dirty of course meaning I did it in Paint and it's of terribly quality.

My old job, as mentioned above, was in a large shop. My particular department had a computer console used to check stock levels and otherwise waste time. During one of my legendary 'look-like-I'm-working-hard' sessions of staring at this computer monitor, I hear very crisply from approximately ten feet behind me and to my left, the following:

"Mice." (Ahem)

My immediate reaction is to turn around and ask for clarification, but upon further consideration, I continued my business. As you can see in the diagram, I, being the blue dot in the middle (Snake), am facing the opposite direction. My field of vision (very creatively represented by the blue cone) does not encompass this man's presence. As shown by his field of vision (he being the red dot), he is able to tell this fact quite readily. By ignoring him, I am presenting the potential I did not hear his initial blurt, and am leaving open the possibility for him to re-align himself within eyesight and earshot and re-introduce his query.

Did he? Of course not. This creature actually stood his ground for five whole minutes without saying another word until he grumbled some gutteral nonsense (possibly French) and left. Good one.


Quote of the Day: "DVDs."