Hello, World! and My Favourite Customers

The original idea for this blog came as the Christmas rush picked up. People get crazy (crazier, I suppose) around this time of year. I have yet to figure out exactly why, but I'm sure there's grant money to be made in the study of the shopping psyche come holiday season. A mall in December is like a shark tank at feeding time. Everyone's eyes seem to roll back into their heads as they claw their way through hordes of their familiars in search of new and exciting ways to give their money away.

So, I figured what better way to kick this experiment off than to relay a few of my favourite types of consumers? By favourite, I do indeed mean they are the most pleasing type of people to encounter at times, while at others they are my favourite in the sense that they all would do a better job brightening my day after a swift jab to their collective larynx. Like the feral creatures we really are, some of these people appear truly benign at any other time of year, and yet somehow the magic of the season brings out their inner self. We start today with one that always stands out, thanks to their innate ability to gum up the works of an idea as ludicrously complex as buying an item at a store:

The Scrutinizer
Encountered today...and yesterday...and the day before. This type of person doesn't generally spend a whole lot of time browsing the shop. Instead, they'll grab an item that seems suitable to their needs -- which in most cases is usually marked down to begin with -- and bring it up to the cash seemingly to check out. Great, you'd think: easy, swift sale. But no. This is where the deception only begins, for the Scrutinizer will then take up valuable counter space and begin to examine the item he or she picked up in detail that would rival an electron microscope. They will almost always hold a firm grasp on the product just out of arm or scanner's reach, so I can't even begin to ring them through (a tactic on the salesperson's end which allows me to inform the customer of the total, which in 99% of cases will prompt a person to give me the money and leave).

Some Scrutinizers will take only a few seconds looking over the item, while others (in the case of a few days ago) take nearly a half-hour. I've even had ones that took the better part of an hour and others who made several trips, I suppose in the hopes that the item was self-healing and only needed to be left alone for a while, or that the perception that it's not selling would prompt staff to mark it down further within the course of that hour. Scrutinizers don't care about lines. They don't care about ringing phones or other customers. They will often murmur to themselves or point out perceived flaws in the molecular fabric of whatever it is they're holding as though all imported picture frames are inspected by master jewellers before hitting the shelves. In a previous job as a movie sales rep, I had perhaps the most extreme case of Scrutinizerr: a man who bought the Matrix Super Fanboy Edition brought it back, citing a defect. He inspected each disc of the replacement copy I brought out for at least a minute and on one disc actually said, "this is no good. It has something on it. See?" To which I leaned in and gently blew away the speck of dust which had landed there during his inspection.

I know what 85% of you are thinking, and I agree: I don't want a bum product either. My money is hard-earned, and I don't want to take home the item only to realize it had already been used in the factory to swat flies. I like the idea of all my purchases being immaculate, and I too don't trust most store employees to sell me something that hasn't been molested by customer or staff member alike. But there's a difference. I give the product a once-over. If it meets my satisfaction, I'll buy it. If I have the slightest doubt, I'll inquire as to the return policy. If I'm not satisfied, I leave it behind. This is flowchart simplicity, here. Is the product okay? Yes --> buy it // No --> Don't buy it. Easy! The cash line needs to be fast-moving. Do your scrutinizing at the shelf, and if you're happy, buy it. Don't stand there wasting everyone's time.

It's not even over. Many of these Scrutinizers -- after finally making a decision -- will state that the product is marginally satisfactory and because of this will then question the validity of the discount (if any): "Gee, only 75% off? But it's scratched, see?" It's marked down because it's scratched, genius. Causality: one thing effecting another: item is damaged, so item is marked down. This doesn't present the opportunity for an infinite loop wherein the item will be marked down further because it is damaged. It's at this point where the Scrutinizer will actually open up the opportunity for me to say something, which is 99% of the time a refusal to negotiate corporate-standard pricing. Scrutinizers almost always end up dumbfounded by the fact that the store isn't by this point in the interaction paying them to remove this sub-par item from our ranks, and will usually stand with a blank stare. Polite cashiers will wait for them to say something, or perhaps buckle under their gaze, but individuals such as myself will use the opportunity to say, "this is the price. You can take it or leave it," and proceed to help the next people in line.


The Ghost
One of my favourites no matter the time of year, the Ghost appears seemingly out of nowhere, likely sneaking into the store when all staff members have their backs turned like they're trying to make their way through one of the Haunted House levels in a Mario game. Ghosts will peruse products well out of the way of any staff members prowling the floor. They usually manifest in pairs or small groups, and are almost always silent (I maintain that some varieties speak in tongues). Most shops require their staff members to approach all customers within a reasonable amount of time of their entering the store. Ghosts are aware of this. As soon as a staff member begins to gravitate towards them to ask one of the standard greeting lines ("Do you need any help?"), the Ghosts flee. It's like a sequence in a movie where the main character is trying to ask people for help and everyone just ignores him. In this case, however, I don't even get a chance to get within fifteen feet before their backs are turned and they whoosh away, murmuring reversed Beatles lyrics and leaving behind a trail of goo.

Okay, maybe not that last bit. But they do seem to glide away.


The Procrastinator
Easily one that will always make me laugh (though likely not to their face), the Procrastinator is just like any ideal shopper. They're approachable, they ask questions, and they're there to buy something. The Procrastinator is tough to spot initially because they take their time -- and they seem to have plenty of it. Most will spend a number of minutes browsing the store or examining particular products in detail to the point where I usually leave them be, since I've answered anything that needed to be asked and they've asked anything that needed to be answered. All is well.

Seconds later, however, BAM -- a product is slammed down on the counter while I'm not paying attention. It's the Procrastinator! They're already pulling out their reusable shopping bag and fishing their credit card out of their wallet while checking their watch and cell phone. They look up at me and state, "I'm really in a rush, can we do this quickly?" This is where I want to laugh but have to shelve it for later. They nod and motion their hands to hurry up as I read them the total and all but throw their payment at me. They snatch the receipt and shove the item in the bag as quickly as possible, and with a light-speed about-face, they're out of the store.

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We'll leave it at that for now. I promise to update this list as time goes on. For now, I leave you with the...


Amusing Anectode of the Day
The phone rings. A fellow staff member from another branch asks me how much we are selling a particular frame for. Extremely sarcastically, I inform him the company is corporate, and our price is perhaps shockingly the same as he would find at his location. He proceeds to explain that a customer claims she bought two of these frames for much cheaper than they were scanning at his store. In the background, I can hear a very upset-sounding person speaking rather loudly (because she is upset, you see). I ask him if she has her receipt as proof, "NO," I hear through the phone. I inform him that the customer must be mistaken for the price stickered is the price stickered - we don't run a lottery when customers bring items to the cash register (though I have suggested it to head office a number of times). I hear more frantic expulsion of air in the background on the other end, and my colleague informs me the customer will be coming to my store. Why? To 'sort it out.' Yep. Because maintaining the exact same circumstances but changing your location and whose ears you cause to bleed will alter the outcome. I must have missed that lesson.

She never showed up.


Quote of the Day: "I want something cheap but good. Is this [points to $70 camera] as good as this [points to $180 camera]?" Facepalm.