The Art of the Queue

I hate lines. I really, really do.


Maybe I should qualify that: I hate useless lines, like those for the bus. They make me want to force people to line up the stairs behind me on the subway platform.

That being said, situations like transit have alternatives. Refusing to file on to a bus in a specific order won't somehow cause the bus to drive more slowly, or as I'm convinced bus-liner-uppers (it's a word!) perceive it, cause the driver to miss their stop:

"I rang the bell!"
"Actually sir, you were 34th in line - you have to wait four more stops."
 
Although there really is no accepted cataclysmic end product from people skipping lines in the retail world, my wrath comes pretty close, and for one very good reason: the cash line is the very last semblance of order in retail, especially during the holiday season. Were it not for the slowly-moving horizontal stack of bodies, any and all shops would revert to some mix between a bank run, a bare-knuckle boxing match, and a food riot. People generally seem to realize this and for the most part play their role in patiently awaiting their turn to equally help increase profit margins and debt loads with bright smiles, but there are those darker forces at work that manifest themselves during the busiest possible times, like getting struck by lightning while trying to escape a hungry pride of lions in a minefield. These people may indeed be the smartest among us, for they could very well be the only human beings to successfully employ quantum mechanics and by ignoring the line, they have actually removed it from existence.

Or that could be my attempt to maintain my last vestiges of sanity by rationalizing their behaviour.

Now, this all starts because there are problems and exceptions in every system. Fine and dandy. The biggest issue here is that too many people believe themselves to be an exception to the "wait your turn" rule. Generally, if a customer feels the need to ask a question (or otherwise verbally advertise their presence), the Art of the Queue is beneath them. To them, only designated (usually physical) transactions need to wait. Exchange of information or otherwise 'abnormal' requests must be instantaneous. We have the Internet now!

Case in point: if you've ever gotten a drink refilled and skipped to the front of the line because you previously waited in said line to initially order said drink, you're guilty.

There are, of course, exceptions to these exceptions (dawg). If the question is quick and otherwise doesn't hold up the system you choose to blatantly flaunt, go ahead. If you have just checked out and forgot to add something to your bill (and have that something with you and won't start browsing for it, thinking you can just keep your stuff on the counter and hold everyone up while you read labels), or forgot to ask a question, go right ahead. Like chess, the transaction is not completed until you take your hand off the counter.

Would that people could just stick to this and not make exceptions within exceptions within exceptions. 


Case study (and today's Amusing Anecdote!)
There is a rather long line in the store. I'm in the process of cashing one person out, when a woman with a stroller proceeds to lean within lice-inspection range of the side of my head and loudly present her observation: there is nobody to help her at the photo kiosks. Deductive reasoning at its finest! Until, that is, I present the hole in her logic: all the staff members are engaged helping other people, thus the reason why there is nobody to wait on her. As though all reality has been upturned, the customer remarks tersely, "well, I've been waiting for a long time and I have a child with me."


Again, let's take a moment to reflect on such a fantastic application of reason that would rival the best thinkers among us, before we inspect further.



Ready? Okay.

If you fail to see the ludicrous nature of this statement, allow me to clarify:


A) If help was needed, exactly how did she expect to get it by staying where the staff aren't?
B) Contrary to popular belief, my employer has a strict 'restless children required' policy. Customers are mandated to bring children with them. Those who do not bring young children into the store will be turned away.
C) She was not in line. Thus, regardless of the amount of time she supposedly spent waiting, her turn will never come up. If this kind of thinking worked, I'd spend my time waiting to renew my license in Swiss Chalet.


My point? Who forced her to stay fixed in place waiting for someone to detect her need for assistance, like a cat staring at a door in anticipation for it to mystically throw itself open? Perhaps I'm alone here, but does it not make sense to seek help if help is required? Would you waltz into the doctor's office waiting room and simply sit down without talking to anyone, then spring to your feet and complain about how nobody has seen you in 'a long time?'

If you answered yes, never read this blog again. I hate you. Also, Merry Christmas.

If, however, you answered no, then you were likely already either shaking your head at your monitor (and are at this point making some sort of affirmative grunt), or were laughing manically. If the latter, please send me some of what you just injected.


My conclusion is thus: Please, please just line up, realize it's a necessary evil, and be calm about it. The fact that a line exists means the staff are very busy, which means skipping the line will only net you an occupied staff member, which means you get absolutely nowhere in your quest - unless your quest is to be a jerk, in which case you win. The fewer people who interrupt this delicate process, the quicker the whole thing goes, and the faster your turn will come up. When that happens, you can take all the time in the world telling me the woes of being forced at gunpoint to shop with a small child.

Also, multiple lines for multiple cash registers are just plain dumb. A single line will always clear quicker and always ensure people are served in the order they lined up. Multiple lines just encourage people to jump between them to try and guess at the quickest one, then get upset when they're wrong. I'm one of those people.


Quote of the Day: (Over the phone) "I have a bit of an odd question...my dog chewed on my camera chip and now the camera says 'Format Error.' Is this a problem? He didn't bite all the way through it, so I think it should still work because I need the pictures on it. It just has a toothmark in it. It should still be okay, right?"